I've been such a slacker when it comes to this whole blogging thing. But I'm back as of today. I'm really blogging today because its been a tough day already. I just went back and re-read my story I posted. I noticed I didnt tell you my whole story so before we get to the drama of today I need to fill you all in. In "my story" post I mentioned being sexually abused by my oldest brother. I failed to mention that I think my youngest older brother is like him/was. I dont know how to explain it. There was one new years eve at my grandmas house when we were little that my yougner brother and I kissed (not just a peck like cute little kids do). Then nothing happened for a long time. However, I always have that in the back of my mind. So I fear what if my oldest brother teaches our youngest brother to hurt me too. Then one day my brother and I passed out in the Living Room. I was on the couch and he was on the floor. Next thing you know its the middle of the night and theres tugging on my blanket. I open my eyes and its my youngest brother. I had no idea what he was doing/trying to do but I smacked his hand and then he ran back to his pillow and blanket on the floor. I then got up to go to the bathroom to let him know that I was awake. When I went back to the couch I wrapped my self like a burrito on the couch. Then when we got up in the morning he didnt acknowledge anything. So now I am left to wonder was he trying to touch me or was he sleep walking? I dont know and I'll never know. Now back to today. Last night I had a dream about my youngest brother touching me.....It was my worst fear coming to life but in my dream. So when I awoke this morning I was so angry and I had to go to work and I had a panic attack. Afterwards I tried to go see a counselor at school to talk it out but they werent doing walk-ins till 4pm and I was there at 11am. So now I'm fighting the urge to cut. I just need to remember to tell myself it was just a dream. I would say I just need to go to bed but part of me is scared that I'll just have another bad dream. :(
-jlo
