I'm Back with More to My Story

I've been such a slacker when it comes to this whole blogging thing. But I'm back as of today. I'm really blogging today because its been a tough day already. I just went back and re-read my story I posted. I noticed I didnt tell you my whole story so before we get to the drama of today I need to fill you all in. In "my story" post I mentioned being sexually abused by my oldest brother. I failed to mention that I think my youngest older brother is like him/was. I dont know how to explain it. There was one new years eve at my grandmas house when we were little that my yougner brother and I kissed (not just a peck like cute little kids do). Then nothing happened for a long time. However, I always have that in the back of my mind. So I fear what if my oldest brother teaches our youngest brother to hurt me too. Then one day my brother and I passed out in the Living Room. I was on the couch and he was on the floor. Next thing you know its the middle of the night and theres tugging on my blanket. I open my eyes and its my youngest brother. I had no idea what he was doing/trying to do but I smacked his hand and then he ran back to his pillow and blanket on the floor. I then got up to go to the bathroom to let him know that I was awake. When I went back to the couch I wrapped my self like a burrito on the couch. Then when we got up in the morning he didnt acknowledge anything. So now I am left to wonder was he trying to touch me or was he sleep walking? I dont know and I'll never know. Now back to today. Last night I had a dream about my youngest brother touching me.....It was my worst fear coming to life but in my dream. So when I awoke this morning I was so angry and I had to go to work and I had a panic attack. Afterwards I tried to go see a counselor at school to talk it out  but they werent doing walk-ins till 4pm and I was there at 11am. So now I'm fighting the urge to cut. I just need to remember to tell myself it was just a dream. I would say I just need to go to bed but part of me is scared that I'll just have another bad dream. :(

-jlo

Done!

So I've been trying to be nice about telling my friends she needs help. She's not listening at all and its really upsetting me. She says she doesnt need help and that she's fine. Except I see her going through some of the things I was going through when I was at my worst. So I know help could do wonders for her. Anyways last night I decided I was going to talk less to this friend and here I am today and I've spoken a little to her but not as mush as usual. This girl has been my best friend for 10 years so its difficult not talking to her but I want to stand my ground. However, since I've caved in and spoken to her a little I decided I'm just going to lay everything out in the open and if she's pissed at me then I don't care because I'm pissed at her! The worst part is how this conversation turns out will decide our friendship. I don't want someone who can't take my advice and I dont need someone that is down in the dumps when I'm working my way back up again. I'm not saying my friends can't have bad days but she is more than having a bad day, she's been through a lot and she needs someone she can talk to.

jlo

Is it Saturday yet?

Slept in today and then had school. We actually had a lecture for a little bit of class but as always we got to leave early. Since I've been home around 1pm-ish I've looked at a college website and that is all I've accomplished today. I could of done homework, chores, watched some tv but no none of that sounds interesting so now im getting irritated because I'm going crazy outta boredom. My mom is always like do something there is plenty to do but not if you cant sit still for any of it. I would even take a nap but I'm not tired. On days when I'm bored and just sit around I sometimes cut myself. So I'm really hoping I find something to do soon or that my parents come home right after work. I don't know. Also, tomorrow is back to work for 5 days in a row but I don't want to go. I have no choice but to go otherwise I lose my job and I need my job. However, I'm not use to having a consistent schedule so it drives me crazy to not have multiple days to myself. Like I hate having and job and school so I can never like go to the hospital for a "break" from the real world. It's nice in there not having to worry about where you need to be and such. Though, my parents would never let me go to the hospital again. They don't think people go in there just for a little break to get themselves back together....they say I need to do it all on my own while I'm balancing school and work. It sucks! Well I'm going to go because this is just upsetting me that I can't take care of myself.

Nephew

This is another tough subject that it might help me if I blog about it. I have a nephew from my second oldest brother. When he was first born I was so sad because this brother was not in my life and I didnt think he ever would be. (Also, growing up seeing all my friends become aunts I never thought I would get to have the title of aunt with who I have for brothers.) But after High School my brother came back into my life and he brought his son who we shall call J. J was the most beautiful boy ever, he looks just like my brother did back then. I was so excited to have a nephew. Then a year or two passed and my brother was in jail and my nephews mom decided none of us would be in J's life anymore. Like literally she got her phone number changed and didnt tell me. Now as of today I havent seen my nephew for over a year. Last year I bought him a stuffed animal Walle for his third birthday but I never got to give it to him. So I still have Walle and for awhile I just had him sitting in my room collecting dust but now I snuggle him at night and try to remember my nephew whose going to be four this month or next month....I'll need to look on the calendar. I have prayed to god that my nephew will come back into my life, he meant everything to me even if I was nervous around him but I want the chance to spoil him rotten and see all his firsts....like first gf, first day of school, prom.....Theres so much and I dont want to miss a second of it! UGHHHHH Well I'm going to leave end this with an I love you J! Even if you wont see it but whoever reads this will know I love you.

jlo

I hope I'm not dreaming...

I got to go to my high school today and visit my favorite people. I havent mentioned to any of you that I wasnt allowed to visit really for the past two years after high school. I didn't leave my school on a good note and I needed help and they couldnt help me there. However, this summer I went and visited my principal. She's the lady in charge of when/who I get to visit. I filled her in on whats new in my life and she noticed a change in me. So that got me the privledge to visit the people I've been wanting to visit. It was so wonderful to see them all, we were able to have some good laughs. They said to check in with them in 3 months, whether they meant it or not who knows. What a great day!

jlo

Perfect!!!

So Perfect by Ellen Hopkins came out today! I pre-ordered it last month and it arrived today. I've only read a couple pages because I'm actually not in a book reading mood or it could be because its to hot out. I highly reccomend any book by Ellen Hopkins, I've read all of them so far and I am going to continue to read them as they come out.

Look around at Ellen Hopkins Books

-jlo

Back to the Real World

So today is my last day of "vacation", meaning tomorrow is back to work. I'm excited to go back to making money. Today I had school and went to the library. I got Doctor Who season two, Law & Order SVU, Hoodwinked Too, and some Scooby-Doo movies! Yes I am 20 years old and want to watch Scooby-Doo, I even put Scooby-Doo on my Christmas list for this year. Now for another subject lets talk boys. Theres this guy that use to live a couple streets away from me and he had a crush on me in High School, then I believe it was after High School he asked me out but I turned him down. Then just a couple months ago I got interested in him but he was over me. However, now I believe he is back to being interested but I think all he is concerned about is getting sex. I'm not like that though. I'm not just going to have him ask me out and then the next day want to get in my pants. I guess you could say I'm old fashioned but I want to save myself for the right guy at the right time. I don't want to sleep around with billions of guys, I'm better than that! Oh, and good news! Perfect by Ellen Hopkins comes out tomorrow so my copy should be coming any day!. Well I think I'm going to go to bed now.

-jlo