I'm Back with More to My Story

I've been such a slacker when it comes to this whole blogging thing. But I'm back as of today. I'm really blogging today because its been a tough day already. I just went back and re-read my story I posted. I noticed I didnt tell you my whole story so before we get to the drama of today I need to fill you all in. In "my story" post I mentioned being sexually abused by my oldest brother. I failed to mention that I think my youngest older brother is like him/was. I dont know how to explain it. There was one new years eve at my grandmas house when we were little that my yougner brother and I kissed (not just a peck like cute little kids do). Then nothing happened for a long time. However, I always have that in the back of my mind. So I fear what if my oldest brother teaches our youngest brother to hurt me too. Then one day my brother and I passed out in the Living Room. I was on the couch and he was on the floor. Next thing you know its the middle of the night and theres tugging on my blanket. I open my eyes and its my youngest brother. I had no idea what he was doing/trying to do but I smacked his hand and then he ran back to his pillow and blanket on the floor. I then got up to go to the bathroom to let him know that I was awake. When I went back to the couch I wrapped my self like a burrito on the couch. Then when we got up in the morning he didnt acknowledge anything. So now I am left to wonder was he trying to touch me or was he sleep walking? I dont know and I'll never know. Now back to today. Last night I had a dream about my youngest brother touching me.....It was my worst fear coming to life but in my dream. So when I awoke this morning I was so angry and I had to go to work and I had a panic attack. Afterwards I tried to go see a counselor at school to talk it out  but they werent doing walk-ins till 4pm and I was there at 11am. So now I'm fighting the urge to cut. I just need to remember to tell myself it was just a dream. I would say I just need to go to bed but part of me is scared that I'll just have another bad dream. :(

-jlo

Done!

So I've been trying to be nice about telling my friends she needs help. She's not listening at all and its really upsetting me. She says she doesnt need help and that she's fine. Except I see her going through some of the things I was going through when I was at my worst. So I know help could do wonders for her. Anyways last night I decided I was going to talk less to this friend and here I am today and I've spoken a little to her but not as mush as usual. This girl has been my best friend for 10 years so its difficult not talking to her but I want to stand my ground. However, since I've caved in and spoken to her a little I decided I'm just going to lay everything out in the open and if she's pissed at me then I don't care because I'm pissed at her! The worst part is how this conversation turns out will decide our friendship. I don't want someone who can't take my advice and I dont need someone that is down in the dumps when I'm working my way back up again. I'm not saying my friends can't have bad days but she is more than having a bad day, she's been through a lot and she needs someone she can talk to.

jlo

Is it Saturday yet?

Slept in today and then had school. We actually had a lecture for a little bit of class but as always we got to leave early. Since I've been home around 1pm-ish I've looked at a college website and that is all I've accomplished today. I could of done homework, chores, watched some tv but no none of that sounds interesting so now im getting irritated because I'm going crazy outta boredom. My mom is always like do something there is plenty to do but not if you cant sit still for any of it. I would even take a nap but I'm not tired. On days when I'm bored and just sit around I sometimes cut myself. So I'm really hoping I find something to do soon or that my parents come home right after work. I don't know. Also, tomorrow is back to work for 5 days in a row but I don't want to go. I have no choice but to go otherwise I lose my job and I need my job. However, I'm not use to having a consistent schedule so it drives me crazy to not have multiple days to myself. Like I hate having and job and school so I can never like go to the hospital for a "break" from the real world. It's nice in there not having to worry about where you need to be and such. Though, my parents would never let me go to the hospital again. They don't think people go in there just for a little break to get themselves back together....they say I need to do it all on my own while I'm balancing school and work. It sucks! Well I'm going to go because this is just upsetting me that I can't take care of myself.

Nephew

This is another tough subject that it might help me if I blog about it. I have a nephew from my second oldest brother. When he was first born I was so sad because this brother was not in my life and I didnt think he ever would be. (Also, growing up seeing all my friends become aunts I never thought I would get to have the title of aunt with who I have for brothers.) But after High School my brother came back into my life and he brought his son who we shall call J. J was the most beautiful boy ever, he looks just like my brother did back then. I was so excited to have a nephew. Then a year or two passed and my brother was in jail and my nephews mom decided none of us would be in J's life anymore. Like literally she got her phone number changed and didnt tell me. Now as of today I havent seen my nephew for over a year. Last year I bought him a stuffed animal Walle for his third birthday but I never got to give it to him. So I still have Walle and for awhile I just had him sitting in my room collecting dust but now I snuggle him at night and try to remember my nephew whose going to be four this month or next month....I'll need to look on the calendar. I have prayed to god that my nephew will come back into my life, he meant everything to me even if I was nervous around him but I want the chance to spoil him rotten and see all his firsts....like first gf, first day of school, prom.....Theres so much and I dont want to miss a second of it! UGHHHHH Well I'm going to leave end this with an I love you J! Even if you wont see it but whoever reads this will know I love you.

jlo

I hope I'm not dreaming...

I got to go to my high school today and visit my favorite people. I havent mentioned to any of you that I wasnt allowed to visit really for the past two years after high school. I didn't leave my school on a good note and I needed help and they couldnt help me there. However, this summer I went and visited my principal. She's the lady in charge of when/who I get to visit. I filled her in on whats new in my life and she noticed a change in me. So that got me the privledge to visit the people I've been wanting to visit. It was so wonderful to see them all, we were able to have some good laughs. They said to check in with them in 3 months, whether they meant it or not who knows. What a great day!

jlo

Perfect!!!

So Perfect by Ellen Hopkins came out today! I pre-ordered it last month and it arrived today. I've only read a couple pages because I'm actually not in a book reading mood or it could be because its to hot out. I highly reccomend any book by Ellen Hopkins, I've read all of them so far and I am going to continue to read them as they come out.

Look around at Ellen Hopkins Books

-jlo

Back to the Real World

So today is my last day of "vacation", meaning tomorrow is back to work. I'm excited to go back to making money. Today I had school and went to the library. I got Doctor Who season two, Law & Order SVU, Hoodwinked Too, and some Scooby-Doo movies! Yes I am 20 years old and want to watch Scooby-Doo, I even put Scooby-Doo on my Christmas list for this year. Now for another subject lets talk boys. Theres this guy that use to live a couple streets away from me and he had a crush on me in High School, then I believe it was after High School he asked me out but I turned him down. Then just a couple months ago I got interested in him but he was over me. However, now I believe he is back to being interested but I think all he is concerned about is getting sex. I'm not like that though. I'm not just going to have him ask me out and then the next day want to get in my pants. I guess you could say I'm old fashioned but I want to save myself for the right guy at the right time. I don't want to sleep around with billions of guys, I'm better than that! Oh, and good news! Perfect by Ellen Hopkins comes out tomorrow so my copy should be coming any day!. Well I think I'm going to go to bed now.

-jlo

Guess not....

I've been meaning to blog about this for a couple days now. Right now I'm hurting so nows a good time to talk about it. When you graduate High School everyone says you and your friends will go seperate ways. I said I wouldn't let that happen. There was this one girl I became friends with my freshmen year of high school. We had at least one class together I'm pretty sure every year so we grew close. The kids at school would ask if we were lesbians because we would hold hands and walk around. Truth is I loved her....like a friend, I could tell her anything. I thought she was my best friend. Then we graduated and she went to a university and I stayed close to home at a community college. We talked every once in awhile the first year and we tried to see each other when she was home. Then the second year she was away we became distant. I didn't want to accept it. I tried to talk to her and see her whenever she came home. However, this whole summer I only saw her once and that was at the end of the summer. I tried talking to this friend on facebook today and I didnt even get a response. So I guess we have just gone our seperate ways and it hurts so bad because I dont even know why. She failed me a lot as a friend I guess. I had to much faith in her I guess and so now it hurts to she im nothing to her. And if this friend happens to stumble upon this and read it and know its about her then I want to say I still love you, I think I always will but I know now that friends do become strangers eventually.....

jlo

Ahhhh Boys Have Cooties!!!

Okay, so I should fill you all in on whats been going down. I did my review for my raise on Tuesday and I'm pretty sure I got the raise and then Wednesday I worked and after work I got pulled into a meeting for a write-up and got suspended for too many lates and absences. So today was my first day of suspension out of 3 days. I had therapy and I feel it went really well. I wish I could go to therapy next week too but I am broke as can be. Then I did something for a friend and I think I did the right thing but I dont know. And just now I came home from hanging with all my friends we watched Jennifers Body and it was hysterical. One of the guys that was watching the movie with all of us has a secret crush on me I believe. We talked about how everything is going on and when I left he told me to text him sometime so we can get together...so to me that sounds like "hey I want to get to know you better" but who knows. Well I think Im going to bed now. I'm tired.

-jlo

Blahhh

So the weekend was decent. Went to my brothers saturday to play some Halo and he bought me lunch. Then sunday I went over to a friends house for movie night but I was lame and didnt manage to stay up too late. And as of today, monday, I've been just taking it easy playing some video games with my parents....Yes my parents play videogames, we have recently fell in love with Dokapon Kingdom. Oh, also, I read some of Sisterhood Everlastinng. I'm trying to rush through it so I can lend it to a friend so I have someone I can discuss it with. Another thing is I'm feeling shaky today, I'm not sure if its my anxiety or what. It's possible it could be my anxiety though; I have a lot on my plate this week. Tomorrow at work I find out if I'm getting suspended because I was late 4mins, it was entirely my fault and if I get suspended I will accept it, theres not much more I can do. Then tomorrow I have to see if my work will let me take this test to see if I can get a raise. I tried to do it saturday but my work said the weekends are to busy for that so I am to try to do it this week but the date on my paperwork was for yesterday so I hope they are not going to say that I missed my opportunity. For thursday I have two appointments at the same time. I have to choose between my therapist and my dermatologist. It's an easy choice for me though my mom disagree's with me. I feel that I need to see my therapist so we can figure out whats going on and why I am backtracking rather than making progress but my dermatologist might charge me a cancelation fee and I'm broke this week so its just pure chaos. Well I must go now dinner is done. Goodnight!

jlo

Is It Bedtime Yet?

Hello World,

Today is an okay day I guess. I woke up this morning depressed for no reason (everyone tells me there has to be a reason but I slept fine so I dont know), then I went to work and on my cart was a razor blade; so I was staring at the blade being like this must be a sign telling me I can give in and cut. However, I didn't!  I kept the blade with me for my four hours of my shift and managed to ignore it. Also, I did not take the blade home, where it is currently located is unknown, this girl I work with had it last. Then after all that fun working I had to go to school afterwards. Class wasnt actually that bad we just fooled around with our student email accounts. But right now I have a killer headache and just want to lay on floor and sleep my days away. I don't want to slip back into my depression, I need to stay positive and kick butt at school but its hard.

-jlod

Who Knows

So I worked today and there was stuff today and it was fun. Then on the way home a wave of depression came over me. I dont know why but I wanted to hurt myself just for the heck of it. I cannot go back down that road! But now its much later in the day and I managed to get through it. I'm just waiting for my dad to get home and then me and him are going to spend some quality time together watching tv. Oh and crazy news I cut my bangs for the first time in my life! I got my haircut the other day and the lady did a horrible job. So I decided to attempt to fix my bangs, I don't know if they look good or bad. I dont think they look bad but they arent perfect but they'll grow out.

-jlo

Allergies :(

Just came home from my brothers and can not stop sneezing. He has 3 cats and I'm pretty sure i'm allergic to them. This is the worst sneezing fit I have ever had. My trash can is going to be full of tissue by morning!Anyways what did I do today.....I managed to sleep in til 8am which was awesome and then I had to get ready for school. Class wasnt that bad it was just a lecture and learning how to use this program that are assignments are on. And when I got home I just caught up on some shows and went to my brothers to play some Halo Reach :)

My Story

The earliest memory of what happened to me starting was I'm saying when I was six. I don't know why that day things had to change. My brothers and I LOVED to sleep on the floor or couches and we called it "camping out". At the time my brothers didnt live with me so they didnt have a room so they always slept in the living room and I wanted to be around them because I loved my brothers. Anyways, this day I can remember was I'm pretty sure the first time I was sexually abused by my oldest brother. Notice I said first time so obviously it happened more than once. Then we started getting older and my brothers would take turns living with my parents and I for a year or so. I dont remember if anything happened during my elementary school years  off the top of my head but my oldest brother lived with us when I was in 6th grade. Which made him a freshmen in high school. Both my parents worked and I would get home from school first and then he would get home. I wanted life to be normal but my brother wouldnt let that happen. Up through my freshmen year of high school my brother would come home and try to hurt me almost everyday. I was thankful for the years when I would get home first because I would run home and lock myself in my bedroom and stay there unitl my parents got home, for some reason I didnt always do that. My brother was pretty good about tricking me so I would come out of my room and I regretted it everytime but I never learned. He eventually moved in with his mom so he wasn't around a lot thankfully. However, I had this deep dark secret eating me alive. I actually had told some of my friends the summer before I started High School and they kept my secret a secret. Then in High School what happened to me would just play through my mind all day. I made a new friend in Junior year who I eventually talked to about my brother and somehow he convinced me to go tell my guidance counselor. So my friend came with me and we told my guidance counselor who then told me since I was a minor he would have to report it to DCFS. I was scared and pissed off. Luckily, I made a deal with him, I would see a therapist and tell a therapist and then he wouldnt call. So, I did that without a problem not realizing that my therapist would call DCFS. I felt like a complete idiot for walking right into that trap. Also, my therapist had to call my parents to give them a heads up. So now my secret was out in the open and you think things would of gotten so much better. However, things get worse before they get better. So high school continued and I didnt care about school really, I was to busy playing the victim. Senior year I was a handful and somehow I managed to graduate on time. Also, two months after graduation I turned 18. This was a big deal because in high school I decided I was only giving myself til my 18th birthday to report my brother to the police. So, my 18th birthday came and went and I never pressed charges. Now that decision was off my shoulders I felt like starting at a new school (college) would give me a fresh start and no one would know I was a troubled teen. Sadly, I picked up right where I left off in high school, except, now I was actually failing classes and ditching classes. So in a way things were getting worse. Then me and my friends started experimenting with things, I thought it was all fun. Next thing I started was self-injury. I took it up about a one and a half years ago. I kept doing it off and on for a year. Oh and all this time I was still seeing that therapist that I met in high school. So eventually she decided I had hit rock bottom and we agreed to call the crisis line. We scheduled me an appointment with one of the workers and I was not happy about it at all. I told the lady I wanted to die but that I wasnt to worried about actually attempting anything. So she just made me do an outpatient day program (its just group therapy). I started group therapy the next day and it was only a half day, then the following day I met with my doctor for the program. We talked and she decided it was to risky to let me stay outside in the real world and she admitted me into the hospital. I spent nine days in the hospital and I did my best to get out as fast as possible. I felt like I didnt belong there after hearing other peoples stories. So I really accomplished nothing in those 9 days, I made new friends, and I sadly cut myself while I was in there. After I was released I went back to outpatient for two weeks. It was rough being in the real world. I still had urges to cut and kill msyelf, so really I felt like I should of never left the hospital. In the outpatient program you also get assigned a therapist so I kept her informed on my feelings and we decided to voluntarily send myself back upstairs in hope that a second time around would work better. And to my surprise it was a wonderul stay. I actually accepted my problems and did some work on them with the counselors. I was released two weeks later. I did one more week in the outpatiend after that and bam I felt like a new person. In the hospital programs I learned new coping skills that worked wonderful. Like my favorite day and morning was tuesday mornings for yoga class. And I loved meditation class, dog therapy, art therapy. I really loved it all. I am one of the few people that can say my experience there was completley worth it. Now for an update....I've been out of the hospital almost 5 or 6 months. I went almost that whole time without self-injuring myself. Sadly I gave in a couple weeks ago for a horribly stupid reason (my phone bill). Also, I am doing my best to not involved myself in my friends bad habits. I worked so hard in the hospital and changed so much that I don't want to risk going backwards in all this progress. I don't want to have to go back into the hospital and see everybodys face again since when I left they thought things would finally turn around for me, I want to make them all proud. I want to be part of the statistics that say being in a hospital can really help you. One last thing before I call it a night, my oldest brother is currently in jail for sexually abusing someone else and I recently got the courage to confront him in a letter, whehter her read it or not I dont know. Part of me wishes I knew his reaction to my letter.  Well I know this is a lot to take in so goodnight.

-jlo

What A Crazy Day

I went over to my friends house last night and we went to be around 3am and got up around 9am because my other friend had to work. So I went home had breakfast and decided to pass out on the couch for a little bit. Then next thing you know i'm waking up to my mom screaming for me. (By the way she is feeling under the weather today) So I get up and she tells me I need to stop sleeping and do stuff around the house. However, I go back to sleep, a couple minutes later she's waking me up again. At this time I'm pissed because she can't tell that I'm tired but I get up do what she asked me to do and go back to sleep for a third time. And don't think she finally let me sleep because she keeps waking me up for what seems like forever so now I just decided I'm going to be done sleeping until tonight when she will actually let me get a good nights rest. Now for other news it's my youngest older brothers birthday today. He turned 21. What an old man! Anyways my dad and I are going out with my brother and the people he lives with to Red Robin for dinner to celebrate. Well I should probably wrap this one up since the nearest Red Robin is a bit of a drive from my house, so seeya!

-jlo
p.s. I think tonight I might blog about my past tonight depending on what time I get home.

8/27/11

So today is a pretty good day so far. We actually got a truck or maybe trucks in so we had stuff to stock for a change this week. By the way I work at a wonderful Menards as a Morning Stocker. My shift ended a couple hours ago so now I'm just waiting on my dad to finish up working on his van and then my parents and I are going to go to one of my favorite places for lunch (Dog N' Suds). I get the same thing every time I go there: cheeseburger, medium rootbeer, and mini mozarella stix. Sadly I've been there only once this summer and in a couple months they will close for the winter so I need to go like a billion more times still. Then my plans after that are to do some shopping with my dad and then I should read for school and do my two quizzes that are do tomorrow so I can get them done and over with. Well thats all I got for now so seeya!

-jlo

Intro To My Life

I live with my parents who are happily married. I have 3 older brothers who are from my dads first marriage. Unfortunatley I can't say my brothers and I are close. The oldest one is a horrible horrible person, he destroyed my childhood. The one younger than him caused a lot of problems growing up too. He was in and out of juvie and is now a legal adult who has been to an actual jail a few times. Then my youngest older brother is just a year older then me. We were born a year apart exactly so we were super close growing up but he's living with friends now so I don't see much of him :( Since I didn't have a great family relationship as a child I want a wonderful family life now that I'm older. Family means the world to me. Some people have said that I am trying to find a perfect family to call my own but they tell me that no family is flawless. However, I'm not looking for a perfect family. My fear is that my brothers will be out of my life and my parents will be gone in the future and then who am I suppose to spend the holidays with? I want to have nieces and nephews and spoil them rotten on every holiday. I want to treat my family well because there have been some family members who haved failed me and I don't want to fail anyone. Well I must end this entry now (I need to some homework which is probably more important). I look forward to sharing more with everybody, and one of these days I'll talk about my brother that ruined my life and why I say that.

-jlo