Guess not....

I've been meaning to blog about this for a couple days now. Right now I'm hurting so nows a good time to talk about it. When you graduate High School everyone says you and your friends will go seperate ways. I said I wouldn't let that happen. There was this one girl I became friends with my freshmen year of high school. We had at least one class together I'm pretty sure every year so we grew close. The kids at school would ask if we were lesbians because we would hold hands and walk around. Truth is I loved her....like a friend, I could tell her anything. I thought she was my best friend. Then we graduated and she went to a university and I stayed close to home at a community college. We talked every once in awhile the first year and we tried to see each other when she was home. Then the second year she was away we became distant. I didn't want to accept it. I tried to talk to her and see her whenever she came home. However, this whole summer I only saw her once and that was at the end of the summer. I tried talking to this friend on facebook today and I didnt even get a response. So I guess we have just gone our seperate ways and it hurts so bad because I dont even know why. She failed me a lot as a friend I guess. I had to much faith in her I guess and so now it hurts to she im nothing to her. And if this friend happens to stumble upon this and read it and know its about her then I want to say I still love you, I think I always will but I know now that friends do become strangers eventually.....

jlo

Ahhhh Boys Have Cooties!!!

Okay, so I should fill you all in on whats been going down. I did my review for my raise on Tuesday and I'm pretty sure I got the raise and then Wednesday I worked and after work I got pulled into a meeting for a write-up and got suspended for too many lates and absences. So today was my first day of suspension out of 3 days. I had therapy and I feel it went really well. I wish I could go to therapy next week too but I am broke as can be. Then I did something for a friend and I think I did the right thing but I dont know. And just now I came home from hanging with all my friends we watched Jennifers Body and it was hysterical. One of the guys that was watching the movie with all of us has a secret crush on me I believe. We talked about how everything is going on and when I left he told me to text him sometime so we can get together...so to me that sounds like "hey I want to get to know you better" but who knows. Well I think Im going to bed now. I'm tired.

-jlo

Blahhh

So the weekend was decent. Went to my brothers saturday to play some Halo and he bought me lunch. Then sunday I went over to a friends house for movie night but I was lame and didnt manage to stay up too late. And as of today, monday, I've been just taking it easy playing some video games with my parents....Yes my parents play videogames, we have recently fell in love with Dokapon Kingdom. Oh, also, I read some of Sisterhood Everlastinng. I'm trying to rush through it so I can lend it to a friend so I have someone I can discuss it with. Another thing is I'm feeling shaky today, I'm not sure if its my anxiety or what. It's possible it could be my anxiety though; I have a lot on my plate this week. Tomorrow at work I find out if I'm getting suspended because I was late 4mins, it was entirely my fault and if I get suspended I will accept it, theres not much more I can do. Then tomorrow I have to see if my work will let me take this test to see if I can get a raise. I tried to do it saturday but my work said the weekends are to busy for that so I am to try to do it this week but the date on my paperwork was for yesterday so I hope they are not going to say that I missed my opportunity. For thursday I have two appointments at the same time. I have to choose between my therapist and my dermatologist. It's an easy choice for me though my mom disagree's with me. I feel that I need to see my therapist so we can figure out whats going on and why I am backtracking rather than making progress but my dermatologist might charge me a cancelation fee and I'm broke this week so its just pure chaos. Well I must go now dinner is done. Goodnight!

jlo

Is It Bedtime Yet?

Hello World,

Today is an okay day I guess. I woke up this morning depressed for no reason (everyone tells me there has to be a reason but I slept fine so I dont know), then I went to work and on my cart was a razor blade; so I was staring at the blade being like this must be a sign telling me I can give in and cut. However, I didn't!  I kept the blade with me for my four hours of my shift and managed to ignore it. Also, I did not take the blade home, where it is currently located is unknown, this girl I work with had it last. Then after all that fun working I had to go to school afterwards. Class wasnt actually that bad we just fooled around with our student email accounts. But right now I have a killer headache and just want to lay on floor and sleep my days away. I don't want to slip back into my depression, I need to stay positive and kick butt at school but its hard.

-jlod

Who Knows

So I worked today and there was stuff today and it was fun. Then on the way home a wave of depression came over me. I dont know why but I wanted to hurt myself just for the heck of it. I cannot go back down that road! But now its much later in the day and I managed to get through it. I'm just waiting for my dad to get home and then me and him are going to spend some quality time together watching tv. Oh and crazy news I cut my bangs for the first time in my life! I got my haircut the other day and the lady did a horrible job. So I decided to attempt to fix my bangs, I don't know if they look good or bad. I dont think they look bad but they arent perfect but they'll grow out.

-jlo

Allergies :(

Just came home from my brothers and can not stop sneezing. He has 3 cats and I'm pretty sure i'm allergic to them. This is the worst sneezing fit I have ever had. My trash can is going to be full of tissue by morning!Anyways what did I do today.....I managed to sleep in til 8am which was awesome and then I had to get ready for school. Class wasnt that bad it was just a lecture and learning how to use this program that are assignments are on. And when I got home I just caught up on some shows and went to my brothers to play some Halo Reach :)

My Story

The earliest memory of what happened to me starting was I'm saying when I was six. I don't know why that day things had to change. My brothers and I LOVED to sleep on the floor or couches and we called it "camping out". At the time my brothers didnt live with me so they didnt have a room so they always slept in the living room and I wanted to be around them because I loved my brothers. Anyways, this day I can remember was I'm pretty sure the first time I was sexually abused by my oldest brother. Notice I said first time so obviously it happened more than once. Then we started getting older and my brothers would take turns living with my parents and I for a year or so. I dont remember if anything happened during my elementary school years  off the top of my head but my oldest brother lived with us when I was in 6th grade. Which made him a freshmen in high school. Both my parents worked and I would get home from school first and then he would get home. I wanted life to be normal but my brother wouldnt let that happen. Up through my freshmen year of high school my brother would come home and try to hurt me almost everyday. I was thankful for the years when I would get home first because I would run home and lock myself in my bedroom and stay there unitl my parents got home, for some reason I didnt always do that. My brother was pretty good about tricking me so I would come out of my room and I regretted it everytime but I never learned. He eventually moved in with his mom so he wasn't around a lot thankfully. However, I had this deep dark secret eating me alive. I actually had told some of my friends the summer before I started High School and they kept my secret a secret. Then in High School what happened to me would just play through my mind all day. I made a new friend in Junior year who I eventually talked to about my brother and somehow he convinced me to go tell my guidance counselor. So my friend came with me and we told my guidance counselor who then told me since I was a minor he would have to report it to DCFS. I was scared and pissed off. Luckily, I made a deal with him, I would see a therapist and tell a therapist and then he wouldnt call. So, I did that without a problem not realizing that my therapist would call DCFS. I felt like a complete idiot for walking right into that trap. Also, my therapist had to call my parents to give them a heads up. So now my secret was out in the open and you think things would of gotten so much better. However, things get worse before they get better. So high school continued and I didnt care about school really, I was to busy playing the victim. Senior year I was a handful and somehow I managed to graduate on time. Also, two months after graduation I turned 18. This was a big deal because in high school I decided I was only giving myself til my 18th birthday to report my brother to the police. So, my 18th birthday came and went and I never pressed charges. Now that decision was off my shoulders I felt like starting at a new school (college) would give me a fresh start and no one would know I was a troubled teen. Sadly, I picked up right where I left off in high school, except, now I was actually failing classes and ditching classes. So in a way things were getting worse. Then me and my friends started experimenting with things, I thought it was all fun. Next thing I started was self-injury. I took it up about a one and a half years ago. I kept doing it off and on for a year. Oh and all this time I was still seeing that therapist that I met in high school. So eventually she decided I had hit rock bottom and we agreed to call the crisis line. We scheduled me an appointment with one of the workers and I was not happy about it at all. I told the lady I wanted to die but that I wasnt to worried about actually attempting anything. So she just made me do an outpatient day program (its just group therapy). I started group therapy the next day and it was only a half day, then the following day I met with my doctor for the program. We talked and she decided it was to risky to let me stay outside in the real world and she admitted me into the hospital. I spent nine days in the hospital and I did my best to get out as fast as possible. I felt like I didnt belong there after hearing other peoples stories. So I really accomplished nothing in those 9 days, I made new friends, and I sadly cut myself while I was in there. After I was released I went back to outpatient for two weeks. It was rough being in the real world. I still had urges to cut and kill msyelf, so really I felt like I should of never left the hospital. In the outpatient program you also get assigned a therapist so I kept her informed on my feelings and we decided to voluntarily send myself back upstairs in hope that a second time around would work better. And to my surprise it was a wonderul stay. I actually accepted my problems and did some work on them with the counselors. I was released two weeks later. I did one more week in the outpatiend after that and bam I felt like a new person. In the hospital programs I learned new coping skills that worked wonderful. Like my favorite day and morning was tuesday mornings for yoga class. And I loved meditation class, dog therapy, art therapy. I really loved it all. I am one of the few people that can say my experience there was completley worth it. Now for an update....I've been out of the hospital almost 5 or 6 months. I went almost that whole time without self-injuring myself. Sadly I gave in a couple weeks ago for a horribly stupid reason (my phone bill). Also, I am doing my best to not involved myself in my friends bad habits. I worked so hard in the hospital and changed so much that I don't want to risk going backwards in all this progress. I don't want to have to go back into the hospital and see everybodys face again since when I left they thought things would finally turn around for me, I want to make them all proud. I want to be part of the statistics that say being in a hospital can really help you. One last thing before I call it a night, my oldest brother is currently in jail for sexually abusing someone else and I recently got the courage to confront him in a letter, whehter her read it or not I dont know. Part of me wishes I knew his reaction to my letter.  Well I know this is a lot to take in so goodnight.

-jlo